Death is the ultimate truth—one thing that will happen. We all know it, but we are not comfortable with the idea. Death, for not-so-unknown reasons, is not normalised like Birth. I believe it is hugely misunderstood and unnecessarily feared. We must look at it as a culmination, a celebration of a well-lived life, a milestone for the time you are allotted on the planet Earth, the completion of a part of a journey—not the end!
It becomes easy to accept death when you believe in and accept duality in life. Somehow, I do not understand people not accepting death as a part of life. Hence, I use every possible opportunity to understand and normalise death.
Death is a taboo subject. No one wants to discuss it. There are so many definitions and types of death—the least understood phenomenon of life.
One of my searches led me to read about Death Café. It seemed my kind of place, and I wanted to experiment.
Origin Of Death Café
Death café is a concept started by Jon Underwood in 2011 and continued by his wife, Donna Molley, after his death. It is based on the ideas of Café Mortal that Bernard Crettaz initiated after studying the rites and customs accompanying death in society. The website suggests that more than 17932 Death Cafés have been conducted in 89 countries since September 2011. I am unsure if India is part of that circle.
What Is Death Café?
The idea of a Death café is not necessarily one of comfort, finding and giving solace, or helping people come to terms with their loss.
It is about coming to terms with the very idea of death.
It is to normalise discussions around death.
A place where it might be possible to appreciate and maximise the pleasure of our finite lives – because death is normalised there.
‘We worry about the future and remain entangled in our past. In the process, we fail to live in the present, an essential part of life. Death Café, in its own way, helps you realise this part of life. I believe an increased awareness of death may help people make the most of their (finite) lives. (Original statement attributed to Donna Molley).
Inspiration for Conversation Around Death
Jon Underwood was motivated to start Death Café after reading the work of Bernard Crettaz in the Independent newspaper.
I want to experiment with a Death Café in India. Maybe name it Conversations
Around Death (CAD), as ‘Mauth Pe Charcha’ sounds morbid, unappealing, and not being the fitting descriptor.
Maybe keep a bit of a differentiated format that is not entirely bound by the social franchise and guidelines of Death Café, which I appreciate and acknowledge as being exceptionally honest and straightforward.
There are cultural differences, and hence, a bit of tweaking in the process. However, the purpose is essentially the same. It has worked in some 80+ countries, but I am unsure how it will work in India.
What do I Expect to Happen in Conversation Around Death?
Conversation Around Death is expected to be a regular meeting of strangers to remember what matters over a nice cup of tea or coffee and a bite of a snack.
There is no agenda, objective, or theme.
One will try to keep the discussion around death with the sole purpose of normalising it. It will help the participants realise that death is one of the many events in a person’s lifetime, and there is no need to give it undue importance.
However, one will be conscious not to lead people to a conclusion or course of action. Conversation Around Death is not aimed at creating a cult or a sect that is more comfortable with death than others.
In India, where we have different understandings of life, religion, and life after death, maybe we need ‘Conversation Around Death’ to come closer to them—one process at a time.
Will You Attend Conversation Around Death?
I know it is tough to find people keen to talk about death, and finding people willing to host the ‘Conversation Around Death’ is even more challenging. My attempt with a few restaurant owners drew expected objections. Hence, NO, I don’t have a suggestion for the venue. It is open if someone wants to volunteer space in a restaurant, home, or meeting hall.
Why attend a ‘Conversation Around Death?
Your friends and relatives may laugh if you tell them you are going to meet a group of strangers to discuss death! Some may wonder if you lack emotions. You will have to be honest and trust yourself. It is not about demystifying death. It is just getting to be an attempt to be on good terms with death- accepting it as a normal human phenomenon- maybe a milestone in life. Maybe expect a stimulating discussion on a less understood subject or get some help overcoming the loss of someone dear.
Success – No Guarantee
Don’t expect much. I am unsure if the first ‘Conversation Around Death’ will succeed. We all know that success is contextual. However, I am sure many will share a similar thought and may wish to join the conversation with their perceptions and prejudices. And I don’t think anyone will have an issue with that. Maybe it is just a question of seeking- identifying, and reaching out.
Moderating Conversation Around Death
One does not need to be a psychologist, psychotherapist, or priest to discuss death in such a meeting dedicated to normalising ‘Conversation Around Death’. It requires a normal conversation with every bit of personal misinformation, perceptions, realities, and understanding, as no one knows what is true or right.
It would be nice to have a moderator who is conversant with people’s expected behaviour on the subject. I don’t have one, and I am sure I am not the one. However, I am willing to lead and moderate the discussion if required.
Such a voluntary self-interest meeting will typically be a non-homogeneous group. Hence, participants respect one another’s beliefs and avoid any attempts to convert or change someone’s beliefs. No one is an expert or wants to be acknowledged as an expert.
So Where Could the Conversation Around Death Lead?
The answer is simple- I don’t know.
It will entirely depend upon how the group pilots the discussion.
Maybe, at first, one could discuss what death is like. Why do we fear Death? How do our views of death impact the way we live life? Why is death misunderstood? What is your biggest fear of death? What do you want your legacy to be? What is the thing one wants to do before dying? How and what is empty dying? What are the rituals about death? And why are the rituals important? Maybe someone may want to discuss- Is there life after death?
As I said, maybe it will be a free-flowing conversation with no constraints. Maybe we will need to remind ourselves not to deviate from the topic—death.
So, What am I Waiting for?
I may not be ready to take the leap of faith. I want someone to join in making the first ‘Conversation Around Death’ a reality. No, I am not worried – what if no one turns up? But I am waiting for someone to step up and offer a convenient place to hold ‘Conversation Around Death’. Maybe a coffee shop, café in a hospital, gym, restaurant, college, company, or club could give us some space. If you have a space- please connect.
The infrastructure requirement is minimalistic: a few chairs and Tea-coffee snacks to keep the discussion flowing between the expected 10-15 participants. Yes, ‘Conversation Around Death’ could happen online, but I believe it would be best done offline. However, an online version could be considered if there is enough push.
The gathering is neither for profit nor a charity; hence, the participants are expected to pay for their tea, coffee, and snacks.
If you are willing, connect with me and let us try one soon.
I am game for a small start on any Friday or Saturday in Mumbai.
Net-net
Here is a thought.
Once we accept – and there is no way reason why we won’t accept the fact that one day we all will die, it is for ourselves to decide what we are going to do in the limited time we have in hand.
I push people to think through this in my Brand-I workshop because, in the end, it is not about when, where, why, and how we die but how we live.
Someone in the news around Death Café said it so beautifully. “We live knowing that everything dies. Like the sun, it’s a fact of life. And, like the sun, we tend not to look right at it. Unless you’ve experienced a recent death, it’s probably not something you discuss. But a Death Cafe is trying to change that with a serving of tea and cake”.
So, if you want to join hands to take it forward or have a place and interest, please do connect. I would hate for such a beautiful, powerful thought to die because of a lack of support.
How about an insurance or wellness brand stepping in to help?
