
By Gouri Dange
Rules of Engagement – a small checklist, mainly for journos attending book launches of the non-page3 kind.
First, when we send you the invitation, don’t immediately mail back querulously questioning a) the venue that we have chosen/ are stuck with b) the date that we have arrived at after much intricate planning c) the choice of personality who has agreed to read from and release the book. Of course it could have been at a better place, better time, better season, with a celeb you particularly like… and we’re sorry for disappointing you on all scores, but we don’t conjure up book launches by twirling a tinsel wand, we put them together after mental, physical, social and financial contortions of the most fantastic kind.
We writers, forced to be our own marketers and PR persons, are constantly trying to find the fine line between sending you the invite well in advance (so that you can plan to come or send an underling), but not sending it so early that you will forget about it. So do not expect us to play secretary to you. Do have the grace to mark the day on your own, in your own calendar/similar device.
Another constant see-saw that we are trying to work is this: We writers-in-launch-mode realise that your Blackberry gags at attachments, so our anxiously designed elaborate e-invitations end up irritating you. This is why we put the gist – place, date, time – in the body copy of the text. Surely that is considerate enough? So desist from writing to us in an offhand way from your wretched devices instructing us to put it all on SMS format for you. Wish we could pander to your every whim about what format you would like the invitation in, but deal with it, whatever format we send you.
If you really do intend coming to the event, stop groaning about traffic and distances. Keep the address with you – either on your phone or scribbled on your palm (the body part or the device), or on paper or in your head. Do not, and this bears repetition, do not call the writer half an hour before (or five minutes, even) the event itself, and ask for directions. And really, this is just not the time to provide a fresh insight into how the venue and day is all wrong and that parking is such a b***h in your city, and all that jazz. We writers do not personally arrange for your city roads to be so lousy.
Once the event begins, it would be nice if you would switch off your phone, and also not keep a fake engaged look on your face while you jab SMSes on your keypad. Really, we don’t want just your bodies there, we want your minds, such as they are, present and participating.
Some of you also tend to ask questions in the interactive part of the reading/launch, that are only a verbal vehicle to tell people who you are and how you’re so good at what you do. Stop. Just stop. Go do it somewhere else.
Remember, it’s about the book. So questions about finances, advances, and other intricacies of the book business can perhaps be asked of us on our email ids, but certainly not at the book launch. You are more than welcome to ask and tell about what you liked or didn’t like about the book. But asking after the health of my wealth? No.
When it is time to buy your copy and get it signed from the writer, do not leak out of the door empty-handed. Maybe you don’t want to wait in line for a signed copy and that’s fine. But do buy a copy. Oh well…what am I thinking…you’re the Press, you don’t buy.
At launches where there are canapés served, please do not eat the nice part and leave the toast behind on the platter. (This is a well-documented occurrence.) This causes the waiters to walk about with just the dry toast pieces on a platter, and less canny guests end up having to eat those; they then become moody and sulky and tend to leave without buying any books.
And this one is for non-journo attendees: Do not walk up to us writers after the launch and ask things like “But where’s the media? No media?” This may come as a shock to you, but a) journos don’t show up for most launches – their story is usually that ‘evenings are hellish at the office’ b) you may have not read them, but we do have reviews and interviews out there; it’s just that you may not see a real live journalist at our readings/launches c) it really is more important for a book to have actual readers present than the media, whatever anyone tells you.
Lastly, journos, non-journos, listen up: If you did not attend our reading/launch, do not appear on Gmail chat or SMS two days after the event saying ‘How did your thing go? It was when?’ The answer doesn’t really matter to you, and we both know it. Our fingers can tap out only that many things in one lifetime, and telling you ‘the launch was awesome’ or ‘missed you there’ or some such thing is a waste of taps, which we want to save for our actual writing.
Naming no Names is the mid-week column where novelist, columnist and counsellor Gouri Dange presents her tongue-in-cheek view of our world.
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