Ranjona Banerji: Broadcasters’ Association bans ‘Breaking News’ usage + other

By Ranjona Banerji

BREAKING NEWS: The All India Broadcasters’ Association has jointly issued a declaration that the term ‘Breaking News’ will no longer be used by any television news channels in India. Ever. We may lose such gems as “Breaking News: Pigeons live in cities” or “Breaking News: Salman Khan gets bail” but hopefully we shall be able to live with this.

CABINET MEETING: The Union Cabinet decided that from the birthday of KB Hegdewar onwards, they will uphold Indian culture and never call journalists “newstraders” and “presstitutes” any more. Sources say that former chief of army staff VK Singh was carried out weeping from the meeting.

SOURCES TELL US: All TV journalists have sworn never to use terms like “my sources said”. This unfortunately includes scintillating TV conversations like:

TV anchor: “Babli, your sources have told you that today is Friday, is that correct?”

Reporter: “Yes Bunty, according to my sources, today is definitely Friday. However, we are still waiting for an official confirmation on this.”

TV anchor: “As you heard from our reporter Babli, her sources have told her that today is Friday. We shall go back to Babli for an update as soon as she gets confirmation.”

CLOUDS WITH CHANCES OF STUPIDITY: The BBC World Service’s weather people have sworn on copies of the film Twister that they will never say “fine and dry weather across India” when people in India are dying because of heat waves and delayed monsoons.

SOUND CHECK: Mikes for TV debate panellists will now be fitted with decibel monitors that will automatically switch off when they go above 65 dB.

SPEECH MODIFICATION: In bad news for fans of Indian prime minister Narendra Modi, all his speeches will no longer be broadcast live all the time. Many tantrums were observed at the India Today TV newsrooms say many unnamed sources.

PATRIOT ACT: Super-patriotic journalists of print and TV are now required by law to have their faces painted with the Indian flag at all times. Failure to do so may lose them all privileges in Nagpur.

GAY ABANDON: All print journalists who use the words “gay” when they mean happy, “apparel” when they mean clothes, “air-dash” when they mean “fly” will forced to spend three months in solitary confinement reading Chetan Bhagat books so that they can find new ungrammatical clichés.

CONTINUAL PAIN: The Newspaper Association of India has decided that newspapers will no longer have seven front pages, six of which are ads for flats that no one can afford to buy.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER NEVER EVER: will Arnab Goswami of Times Now try and save the nation again, even from himself.

Okay, I gave myself away. Have fun and see you next week.