By Sanjeev Kotnala
If you are considering making resolutions, you must read this and stop wasting your time on something unstable. For me, resolutions and a need to have them are signs of something bigger- a lurking mid-life crisis. So let me wish you a Happy New Year in advance before you read any further.
I think we have totally misunderstood and wrongly defined a mid-life crisis. We have loaded it with the assumption that it is about sudden career changes, impulsive decisions, life-work balance, insecurities, and uncertainties. Midlife crisis is more about inner turmoil than the external materialistic world. It is the stage of finding self at a crossroads of psychological and emotional shifts necessitating a re-evaluation of status and a course correction in alignments and approach to life. It is a lot more about seeking new answers and raising fresh questions.
As a mid-life crisis coach, I see a mid-life crisis whenever there is a dramatic shift in responsibilities and accountability and when suddenly new expectations take birth without references to possible expressions and experiences.
Redefining Mid-life Crisis
Midlife crises are more about fulfilment, authenticity, trust, security, listening, bouncing boards and confidants. Many times, in a blind alley of life, people lack the knowledge or wrongly interpret the signs. They start grappling with a broader question, contemplating the meaning and purpose of their lives. They strongly realise they are incapable of controlling their destiny and personal development. They become confused and aimless because they are unable to sort out emotions.
It happens when a child becomes a teenager, a working adult and then a spouse and a parent and a grandparent. When the father becomes a father-in-law, it requires redefining the emotional space, expectations, and behavioural patterns one lives in.
Every stage of these changes requires an almost chrysalis type of smooth transformation. It happens when you change your professional work arena and cities to a different cultural arena. When your set of friends, hobbies and interests stop finding time for you or you start to fail to keep commitment. All these are triggers of a mid-life crisis. It’s about a lack of future thinking and a need for more trust in the current scenario.
I take this year-end opportunity to say that resolutions are no solutions to the mid-life crisis. I say so because resolutions are based on certain societal and personal demands that are correctible, self-controlled, and voluntary.
Self-reflections instead of Resolutions
Instead of an impulsive resolution, it is time for self-reflection. Do a deep dive to understand personal values and aspirations and how life can be aligned with them. It is okay if you don’t find answers. And it is okay if you don’t find answers for long. Do the course correction and alignment to whatever contextual findings you accumulate during introspection. Don’t hide from negatives, and don’t depend too much on positives. If you have a list of resolutions, you are in some mid-life crisis trap.
Change
Emotional turmoil and emotional imbalance resulting from a mid-life crisis can be avoided by recognising the change continuum of life. Change is a must, and we must embrace the correct change as a part of personal growth and a meaningful life; instead of resisting it, individuals should embrace it as a natural part of personal growth. These changes may be like a need for redefining career paths, exploring new hobbies, cultivating meaningful relationships, redefining the work and life balance, critically balancing the expectations and in some process, being open to saying NO to the fresh demands and expectations that friends, family and society put on you.
Need for Guidance
The crisis often magnifies because we wait to start reacting to it. We remain reactive and not proactive. We ignore these changing emotional landscapes until there is a sudden tectonic shift. Engaging with therapists, life coaches, and mid-life coaches and discussing with your confidant, spouse, and family could greatly help. It will help gain clarity on various subjects that will help in the challenging period.
Reassessing and focussing on Cultivating Meaningful Relationships with family, friends, and partners can provide emotional support and contribute to a sense of fulfilment that is much needed during such a phase.
You are the CEO of your Body & Life
Hell, what’s wrong. You take on significant responsibilities and deliver on the promises – except when it comes to yourself. How can you forget that your first responsibility is to yourself? You are the CEO of I-Incorporated. And hence, your prime responsibility is self-well-being. There is no better time to realign your priorities to your physical and mental well-being.
Redraft your Motivations & Passion
I am not really asking you to find the purpose. Just take care of your passion and interest. Remember things that you have on your bucket list to take care of, things that are beyond work and some of them are really personal.
Net-net
A mid-life crisis is a complex, multidimensional, and multifaceted experience yet to be understood entirely. It has many forms and is different for every individual as it is impacted by the social, family and work expectations and experiences of an individual. Rather than relying on the often repetitive resolutions that one loses track of within the first week, look at realigning yourself with self-priorities, embracing change, seeking professional guidance if needed and having meaningful relationships you can depend upon. Rest assured, a mid-life crisis is a common phenomenon, and if handled better, one will always emerge a lot stronger, wiser, and more fulfilled on the other side of the current mid-life crisis.